Self confidence was something I never really had. I was always quite an introvert and it was always extremely frustrating to have this brick wall that stops me from expressing myself. I dunno why, but it's just difficult.
I tried to change all this when I went to uni. It was going well in first year and I was still working on it in second year. I made many friends. Went out a lot. Tried to be more outspoken and friendly. But of course, I just had to lose my hair. This was a huge blow to my already low self esteem. It didn't help that it happened so suddenly at the end of my 2nd year. It's such a terrible situation because I keep trying to just move on with life, but keep getting into bouts of severely low mood. It cannot be fixed. I constantly tell myself that there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. But yet, it really affects me. I'm always so self-conscious around other people. I can't stand it when I see their eyes dart to my hair, it makes me blush so much and freeze up. I get so anxious when this happens that I can't really hold a conversation. I've lost so many friends because of this stupid problem because I was just too afraid to face them. Too embarrassed for them to see my hair. And so I hid, and avoided, and now, I feel down so often because of all the friends I lost, who have moved on with their lives and forgotten me. I often have sleepless nights just thinking about this, just wishing that my hair would just grow back and everything will be fine again.
But I must move on. Hence, I shaved my head and oh my god, how liberating that felt! I don't look too bad although of course I can't deny that I would prefer to have hair. But at least, I don't look like a geek anymore and I look more youthful even (because a shaved head looks tonnes better than thinning hair). Now, I vow to cherish all the friends I have and reconnect with the lost ones. I am going to try and accept the way I look, no matter how much an uphill struggle that is at times. I need to be more positive. There are worse things than losing hair. At least I'm alive, healthy and sane (I think).
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
Sunday, 12 April 2009
A Goal
A goal of mine is to learn Copland's clarinet concerto well, to the point of performing it from memory.
Music pleases the soul. Making music gives one a profound feeling of well-being (at least until you make a mistake, which kind of kills the mood)
Music should be deeper than mere entertainment. There must be emotions, there must be a story to convey. Whether of sorrow, or happiness, it must be expressed by the performer. There's no point playing a bunch of difficult notes if you don't connect with the piece.
So, I'm going to assemble my dear clarinet now, and I'm going to have a good hour or two of practise. Sorry neighbours! (at least I don't play the trombone... )
Music pleases the soul. Making music gives one a profound feeling of well-being (at least until you make a mistake, which kind of kills the mood)
Music should be deeper than mere entertainment. There must be emotions, there must be a story to convey. Whether of sorrow, or happiness, it must be expressed by the performer. There's no point playing a bunch of difficult notes if you don't connect with the piece.
So, I'm going to assemble my dear clarinet now, and I'm going to have a good hour or two of practise. Sorry neighbours! (at least I don't play the trombone... )
Self Discovery
Self discovery. What an easy thing to say. If only it was as easy to achieve. Some find it ridiculous. How can someone not know themself? Haven't they known themselves from birth?
Sometimes I find that I don't like the person I am, or the person I'm turning into. All my experiences so far, and the way I handled them have turned me into a bitter person. I'm constantly complaining. Nothing makes me happy. I always feel like I've been wronged in life, and I never count my blessings. Everything around me is wrong. I frequently find myself in a situation where I feel that I'm surrounded by happy people and I'm just a depiction of misery in the middle of it all. This vicious circle has got to stop. What is the point of living if you're not going to be happy?
I feel that I still have a lot to learn in life. I need to satisfy my need for academia more, which I think university is depriving me of (strangely enough). I sometimes feel that I'm stuck in perpetual lethargy and laziness. Well I'm getting out of that. I'm making a pact with myself. I need to improve my value system, which currently, I believe is severely flawed. To do this, I shall do my best to read more books (especially all those clever books that I bought just to make my shelf look better and never actually read beyond a chapter).
I need to get over my fears and anxieties and just put myself out there and get more experience. There's so much in life that I haven't done. I've never climbed a mountain, I've never been deep in the ocean, I've never run a marathon, never just put myself out there, out of my comfort zone, never even danced without a care.
There's a big hurdle I must overcome. My intense self-consciousness. Sometimes all I think about is what other people are thinking about me. This must stop. It is stopping me from even enjoying myself. It causes my tongue to seize when there are more than 5 people in a room. I can't even talk on the phone when there's someone else in earshot. I can't just let go and dance, or even celebrate an achievement. This must change, for it is very unwelcome, and I believe it's a consequence of my obsession of pleasing other people since childhood, even if it stops me from being happy. I must get rid of this obsession of being the good kid.
Well Elias, you've got to change! And you will, because now you've finally had the time to analyse all your wrongs. Good luck and may you find happiness at the end of this journey.
Sometimes I find that I don't like the person I am, or the person I'm turning into. All my experiences so far, and the way I handled them have turned me into a bitter person. I'm constantly complaining. Nothing makes me happy. I always feel like I've been wronged in life, and I never count my blessings. Everything around me is wrong. I frequently find myself in a situation where I feel that I'm surrounded by happy people and I'm just a depiction of misery in the middle of it all. This vicious circle has got to stop. What is the point of living if you're not going to be happy?
I feel that I still have a lot to learn in life. I need to satisfy my need for academia more, which I think university is depriving me of (strangely enough). I sometimes feel that I'm stuck in perpetual lethargy and laziness. Well I'm getting out of that. I'm making a pact with myself. I need to improve my value system, which currently, I believe is severely flawed. To do this, I shall do my best to read more books (especially all those clever books that I bought just to make my shelf look better and never actually read beyond a chapter).
I need to get over my fears and anxieties and just put myself out there and get more experience. There's so much in life that I haven't done. I've never climbed a mountain, I've never been deep in the ocean, I've never run a marathon, never just put myself out there, out of my comfort zone, never even danced without a care.
There's a big hurdle I must overcome. My intense self-consciousness. Sometimes all I think about is what other people are thinking about me. This must stop. It is stopping me from even enjoying myself. It causes my tongue to seize when there are more than 5 people in a room. I can't even talk on the phone when there's someone else in earshot. I can't just let go and dance, or even celebrate an achievement. This must change, for it is very unwelcome, and I believe it's a consequence of my obsession of pleasing other people since childhood, even if it stops me from being happy. I must get rid of this obsession of being the good kid.
Well Elias, you've got to change! And you will, because now you've finally had the time to analyse all your wrongs. Good luck and may you find happiness at the end of this journey.
Thursday, 5 February 2009
Recent Concerts in London!
1. Stravinsky's Rite of Spring and Bartok's Duke Bluebeard's Castle
Amanda and I went for this at the Barbican and it just blew us away! Stravinsky is an absolute genious. The Rite of Spring was so gripping that we (well, I) didn't want to miss a single second of it. You could also feel the motion of the piece and could tell that all of the LSO were completely immersed in it (as well as the great Valery Gergiev!). What made the concert even better is that I now recognise many of the players in the LSO, my favourites being Chi Yu Mo, the principal Eb clarinettist, Emmanuel Abbuhl, the principal oboist, the principal bassoonist, the horn players, trombonists, few of the strings and also the percussionists! Love them! Such a fantastic interpretation of a fantastic piece.
However with regards to Duke Bluebeard's Castle..... I wasn't impressed. The piece was rather lengthy and tedious. You could tell the orchestra wasn't very excited (having just performed the Rite of Spring earlier). But hats off to the great soprano and baritone though.
2. Copland's Appalachian Spring and Stravinsky's Petrushka
I loved the Copland. Such a beautiful piece that gives you this feeling of fresh air and the beauty of nature. However I think we were sat too close to the stage (hence it was rather hard to hear the wind section as they were projecting more upwards). I loved looking at the principal cellists who were extremely expressive and looked like they were just in love with their wonderful jobs.
Now, in between the 2 pieces was this weird Japanese piano concerto (world debut). It was extremely odd and quite horrible in all honesty. Frankly speaking, if I was the pianist, I would've refused to be humiliated like that (although it was received with thunderous applause). To start with, it just looked so funny to have a bright red toy piano on stage next to the massive Steinway. Once they started playing, I just thought to myself that it sounded like it was from horror film. All the harmonies were peculiar, the strings were doing weird glissandos and weird 2 finger pizzicatos. The trumpeter was just playing something that had the effect of "hey look at me I can play this one note really really loud!". 3 quarter way though the piece, the pianist got off the Steinway and sat on this tiny red stool to play the toy piano. She was basically squatting to play this weird song. Anyway, thankfully it ended after 25 painful minutes.
Next, the piece of the night!! Stravinsky's Petrushka. I loved this piece the most. The orchestra seemed to think so too. There was evidently a lot more expression and most of them seemed to be lost in it. Love Stravinsky! Although it was a shame we were sat too close to the stage.
Future concerts I shall be going to
1. Tchaikovsky's Symphony no. 6 and Rachmaninov's Piano Concerto no. 3 by the LSO
2. Tan Dun's Internet Symphony and Piano Concerto (world premiere) and Mahler's Symphony No.1 'the Titan' by the LSO
Can't wait!
Amanda and I went for this at the Barbican and it just blew us away! Stravinsky is an absolute genious. The Rite of Spring was so gripping that we (well, I) didn't want to miss a single second of it. You could also feel the motion of the piece and could tell that all of the LSO were completely immersed in it (as well as the great Valery Gergiev!). What made the concert even better is that I now recognise many of the players in the LSO, my favourites being Chi Yu Mo, the principal Eb clarinettist, Emmanuel Abbuhl, the principal oboist, the principal bassoonist, the horn players, trombonists, few of the strings and also the percussionists! Love them! Such a fantastic interpretation of a fantastic piece.
However with regards to Duke Bluebeard's Castle..... I wasn't impressed. The piece was rather lengthy and tedious. You could tell the orchestra wasn't very excited (having just performed the Rite of Spring earlier). But hats off to the great soprano and baritone though.
2. Copland's Appalachian Spring and Stravinsky's Petrushka
I loved the Copland. Such a beautiful piece that gives you this feeling of fresh air and the beauty of nature. However I think we were sat too close to the stage (hence it was rather hard to hear the wind section as they were projecting more upwards). I loved looking at the principal cellists who were extremely expressive and looked like they were just in love with their wonderful jobs.
Now, in between the 2 pieces was this weird Japanese piano concerto (world debut). It was extremely odd and quite horrible in all honesty. Frankly speaking, if I was the pianist, I would've refused to be humiliated like that (although it was received with thunderous applause). To start with, it just looked so funny to have a bright red toy piano on stage next to the massive Steinway. Once they started playing, I just thought to myself that it sounded like it was from horror film. All the harmonies were peculiar, the strings were doing weird glissandos and weird 2 finger pizzicatos. The trumpeter was just playing something that had the effect of "hey look at me I can play this one note really really loud!". 3 quarter way though the piece, the pianist got off the Steinway and sat on this tiny red stool to play the toy piano. She was basically squatting to play this weird song. Anyway, thankfully it ended after 25 painful minutes.
Next, the piece of the night!! Stravinsky's Petrushka. I loved this piece the most. The orchestra seemed to think so too. There was evidently a lot more expression and most of them seemed to be lost in it. Love Stravinsky! Although it was a shame we were sat too close to the stage.
Future concerts I shall be going to
1. Tchaikovsky's Symphony no. 6 and Rachmaninov's Piano Concerto no. 3 by the LSO
2. Tan Dun's Internet Symphony and Piano Concerto (world premiere) and Mahler's Symphony No.1 'the Titan' by the LSO
Can't wait!
Thursday, 22 January 2009
The NEVERENDING Illness!!!!
This is how I woke up today: my throat felt like a cat threw up in it, my right ear ached so much from that stupid pimple just before my ear canal, I was almost deaf in the right ear and I felt completely miserable!
On waking up, I start to try to swallow but it felt like the back of my throat was covered in cat vomit that won't budge. My ear starts to hurt so I think to myself "omg is this an ear infection? did that stupid pimple progress to become an abscess? Is this going to progress to form a brain abscess? Am I going to be brain damaged and deaf?" - once you see cases of such things happening you start to be so paranoid! So I start to stick my finger in my ear to see what the hell's going on in there and I thought I felt a large abscess going into my ear canal and just thought, "fuck". Anyway, I then go over to Dan's room (because I knew Fay was up), and asked her to look into my ear with my otoscope. And she just saw a miserable little pimple, which somewhat reassured me.
Anyway, turns out I was deaf in that ear because my stupid Eustachian tube was blocked with goo (which cleared up)
As I'm typing now, my nose is dripping away like there's no tomorrow.
Here's how I've been in the past MONTH: ILL. I've had a bitch of a cough, and intermittent fever, sneezing, runny nose. And guess what? It was clearing up. It was almost completely gone. But at the last minute, a new bug comes in!!
So it feels like my immune system's being taken out on a test drive by these pesky little morons (viruses). Grrr looks like I'm going to be sick for another few weeks. Thank you pesky bugs!
On waking up, I start to try to swallow but it felt like the back of my throat was covered in cat vomit that won't budge. My ear starts to hurt so I think to myself "omg is this an ear infection? did that stupid pimple progress to become an abscess? Is this going to progress to form a brain abscess? Am I going to be brain damaged and deaf?" - once you see cases of such things happening you start to be so paranoid! So I start to stick my finger in my ear to see what the hell's going on in there and I thought I felt a large abscess going into my ear canal and just thought, "fuck". Anyway, I then go over to Dan's room (because I knew Fay was up), and asked her to look into my ear with my otoscope. And she just saw a miserable little pimple, which somewhat reassured me.
Anyway, turns out I was deaf in that ear because my stupid Eustachian tube was blocked with goo (which cleared up)
As I'm typing now, my nose is dripping away like there's no tomorrow.
Here's how I've been in the past MONTH: ILL. I've had a bitch of a cough, and intermittent fever, sneezing, runny nose. And guess what? It was clearing up. It was almost completely gone. But at the last minute, a new bug comes in!!
So it feels like my immune system's being taken out on a test drive by these pesky little morons (viruses). Grrr looks like I'm going to be sick for another few weeks. Thank you pesky bugs!
Sunday, 4 January 2009
The Best Holiday
I'm back in cold, gloomy London from the most perfect holiday in Malaysia. I'm trying to get back into the whole routine so I'm cleaning up and doing some laundry (with the most annoying washing machine on the planet)
The holiday was just perfect with an almost complete reunion of all the Krishnans (except for uncle Vejayan's family in Michigan and Kumar in London). Sugu was back in Malaysia for the first time after 18 long years! And her family were in Malaysia for the first time.
It was just great to have everyone back again, all the cousins, reunited. Sugu, Sharmini, Kaanchana, Suman, Johan and me. This holiday taught me a lot about my family. Untold stories and secrets were unleashed. Old photos taken out of their dusty boxes (and I mean OLD).
We spent almost everyday talking till at least 3am, catching up, gossiping etc.
The endless disasters were hilarious! To name one, we were playing pool in a bar and Sugu decides to break. Having not played pool in ages, she tipped the cue down at the very last minute while putting all her strength in the shot and sent the ball flying into a porcelain fountain with a loud crash and plop!!! The worker standing by the fountain looked so confused, and when he finally realised what happened, he had to bend into the fountain to get the ball out and wipe it! Omg we were all wetting ourselves by this point!
Another one: Sugu goes saree shopping and knocks over a huge reel of material. Seeing this, Kaanchana tries to save the day and tips it over to the other side, when it then fell on all the other giant reels of material and sent them all crashing in the shop! The shopkeepers could only watch in complete horror and helplessness with open mouths... LOL. On the very same day in a similar place, Sugu and Kaanch were buying bangles for Asha. Kaanch insisted to pay for them despite Sugu's protests. After a lengthy debate, Kaanch decides to just turn to the counter and pay before Sugu gets a chance. While doing her very swift turn, Kaanchana knocks this little chinese woman over into reels of material!
Another disaster! After I left for England, all the cousins decided to go to the waterpark in Tambun. Now, this waterpark was designed with Malaysian sizes and weights in mind i.e. not for a big black man (Sugu's husband, Garrick, and children!!)
Anyway, due to them weighing at least twice the average Malaysian, they were zooming SO fast down the waterslides to the point where it was terrifying and crazy. Suman and Big Garrick were sat on a float together zooming down one of the giant slides at a speed that was uncontrollably fast. The slide had a sudden bend in the tunnel and they overturned!! So Suman lands on his head at a high speed in this slide and uncontrollably splashed in to the pool at the end! Poor Suman, luckily it was nothing serious (as confirmed by Brachial plexus testing by Dr Johan!) but he wont be turning his head in a while...
Celebrating the New Year at KLCC was just perfect! We saw the grandest fireworks ever by the beautiful twin towers, and later on had drinks and hung out till 6.30am!!
However, we still had an unfortunate event. My grandfather (tata) got a heart attack (Non ST-elevation MI). The good news is that he's very stable at the moment at the National Heart Institute. He will be undergoing a bypass on Thursday by the best surgeons in the country and we're all praying that everything will go well. I'm very nervous but am keeping my fingers crossed.
The holiday was just perfect with an almost complete reunion of all the Krishnans (except for uncle Vejayan's family in Michigan and Kumar in London). Sugu was back in Malaysia for the first time after 18 long years! And her family were in Malaysia for the first time.
It was just great to have everyone back again, all the cousins, reunited. Sugu, Sharmini, Kaanchana, Suman, Johan and me. This holiday taught me a lot about my family. Untold stories and secrets were unleashed. Old photos taken out of their dusty boxes (and I mean OLD).
We spent almost everyday talking till at least 3am, catching up, gossiping etc.
The endless disasters were hilarious! To name one, we were playing pool in a bar and Sugu decides to break. Having not played pool in ages, she tipped the cue down at the very last minute while putting all her strength in the shot and sent the ball flying into a porcelain fountain with a loud crash and plop!!! The worker standing by the fountain looked so confused, and when he finally realised what happened, he had to bend into the fountain to get the ball out and wipe it! Omg we were all wetting ourselves by this point!
Another one: Sugu goes saree shopping and knocks over a huge reel of material. Seeing this, Kaanchana tries to save the day and tips it over to the other side, when it then fell on all the other giant reels of material and sent them all crashing in the shop! The shopkeepers could only watch in complete horror and helplessness with open mouths... LOL. On the very same day in a similar place, Sugu and Kaanch were buying bangles for Asha. Kaanch insisted to pay for them despite Sugu's protests. After a lengthy debate, Kaanch decides to just turn to the counter and pay before Sugu gets a chance. While doing her very swift turn, Kaanchana knocks this little chinese woman over into reels of material!
Another disaster! After I left for England, all the cousins decided to go to the waterpark in Tambun. Now, this waterpark was designed with Malaysian sizes and weights in mind i.e. not for a big black man (Sugu's husband, Garrick, and children!!)
Anyway, due to them weighing at least twice the average Malaysian, they were zooming SO fast down the waterslides to the point where it was terrifying and crazy. Suman and Big Garrick were sat on a float together zooming down one of the giant slides at a speed that was uncontrollably fast. The slide had a sudden bend in the tunnel and they overturned!! So Suman lands on his head at a high speed in this slide and uncontrollably splashed in to the pool at the end! Poor Suman, luckily it was nothing serious (as confirmed by Brachial plexus testing by Dr Johan!) but he wont be turning his head in a while...
Celebrating the New Year at KLCC was just perfect! We saw the grandest fireworks ever by the beautiful twin towers, and later on had drinks and hung out till 6.30am!!
However, we still had an unfortunate event. My grandfather (tata) got a heart attack (Non ST-elevation MI). The good news is that he's very stable at the moment at the National Heart Institute. He will be undergoing a bypass on Thursday by the best surgeons in the country and we're all praying that everything will go well. I'm very nervous but am keeping my fingers crossed.
Thursday, 4 December 2008
Christmas Cheer
The best way to spread christmas cheer is to sing aloud for all to hear!! (funny quote from Elf)
Anyway, I'm feeling so happy now! I'm just laughing at my previous post!
The concert went fantastically well! Almost 50 people in the orchestra. The music was very well played! And everyone in the audience was very impressed at the standard.
Plus, I got given a nice bottle of wine and was thanked with thunderous applause and cheers! Oh what a great ending to the term!!
Anyway, I'm feeling so happy now! I'm just laughing at my previous post!
The concert went fantastically well! Almost 50 people in the orchestra. The music was very well played! And everyone in the audience was very impressed at the standard.
Plus, I got given a nice bottle of wine and was thanked with thunderous applause and cheers! Oh what a great ending to the term!!
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