Self Discovery

Self discovery. What an easy thing to say. If only it was as easy to achieve. Some find it ridiculous. How can someone not know themself? Haven't they known themselves from birth?

Sometimes I find that I don't like the person I am, or the person I'm turning into. All my experiences so far, and the way I handled them have turned me into a bitter person. I'm constantly complaining. Nothing makes me happy. I always feel like I've been wronged in life, and I never count my blessings. Everything around me is wrong. I frequently find myself in a situation where I feel that I'm surrounded by happy people and I'm just a depiction of misery in the middle of it all. This vicious circle has got to stop. What is the point of living if you're not going to be happy?

I feel that I still have a lot to learn in life. I need to satisfy my need for academia more, which I think university is depriving me of (strangely enough). I sometimes feel that I'm stuck in perpetual lethargy and laziness. Well I'm getting out of that. I'm making a pact with myself. I need to improve my value system, which currently, I believe is severely flawed. To do this, I shall do my best to read more books (especially all those clever books that I bought just to make my shelf look better and never actually read beyond a chapter).
I need to get over my fears and anxieties and just put myself out there and get more experience. There's so much in life that I haven't done. I've never climbed a mountain, I've never been deep in the ocean, I've never run a marathon, never just put myself out there, out of my comfort zone, never even danced without a care.

There's a big hurdle I must overcome. My intense self-consciousness. Sometimes all I think about is what other people are thinking about me. This must stop. It is stopping me from even enjoying myself. It causes my tongue to seize when there are more than 5 people in a room. I can't even talk on the phone when there's someone else in earshot. I can't just let go and dance, or even celebrate an achievement. This must change, for it is very unwelcome, and I believe it's a consequence of my obsession of pleasing other people since childhood, even if it stops me from being happy. I must get rid of this obsession of being the good kid.

Well Elias, you've got to change! And you will, because now you've finally had the time to analyse all your wrongs. Good luck and may you find happiness at the end of this journey.